


dream about the sun

by herhorizon



Category: LOONA (Korea Band), TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, this ship makes so much sense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:42:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23647903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herhorizon/pseuds/herhorizon
Summary: Haseul and Jihyo haven't seen each other in six years, but the things left unsaid still linger. Or, alone they could make it rain, but together they could wash the whole world away.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Kim Jiwoo | Chuu, Im Nayeon/Yoo Jeongyeon, Jo Haseul/Park Jisoo| Jihyo
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nothing but a self-indulgent wlw who loves both Jihyo and Haseul an unhealthy amount. Here's the result. (title from roxette's queen of rain)

The restaurant was as cozy as Jihyo remembered it, filled with sturdy wooden tables and comfortable chairs and benches. Almost too much furniture in one place, so that you would always sit nearly shoulder to shoulder with strangers. Surprisingly the nearness didn't make people whisper to each other in fear of being overheard but instead it made people talk and laugh louder, different groups and pairs trying to out-shout each other.

The food was simple, but always delicious. The prices had gone up since the last time she had been there, but it was still a place that students loved, some of them even trying to study in quiet corners, huddled over books and laptops. There were also couples on dates and some older folk, but no families with children. The place was warm and calm like a home – almost calm enough for Jihyo to feel at ease.

Jihyo let the weight of her jaw press into her palm, smiling as Sooyoung told stories about her new girlfriend. It was endearing how the previous serial dater had found herself someone who made her babble like an ecstatic schoolgirl, eyes shining with tenderness. She was the same old Sooyoung, just happier. If someone deserved happiness it was certainly her.

"Why didn't you bring her here?" Nayeon asked.

"Oh, for you to interrogate her?" Jeongyeon jibed, earning a slap on the arm from her girlfriend.

"Jiwoo could deal with Nayeon's questions," Sooyoung said, laughing at the couple sitting in front of her. "In fact, I think she might be the one asking questions."

"I like her already," Vivi said softly, taking a sip from her coffee. Jihyo regarded her unnie’s slim wrist and slender fingers that hold the cup like it was an accessory to her outfit. She had grace that would have suited any age or setting.

"You would love her," Sooyoung said and didn't even bother to hide her grin when Jeongyeon made a gagging sound at the cheesiness. Nayeon slapped her girlfriend again and Jihyo wondered whether Jeongyeon would go home all bruised.

"She is very bubbly and talkative - which is also why I didn't bring her. I wouldn't have been able to say a word in between."

"Oooh, finally someone who can make Sooyoung shut up," Haseul cooed, wiggling eyebrows at the rest of them. Sooyoung tried to look shocked and annoyed, but when Jeongyeon also began to tease her about being soft, a fight broke out. Jihyo shook her head at their antics and felt a sting of nostalgia in her heart. They were just like they had been in high school, teasing and playing around, everyone finishing each other's sentences and understanding complex emotions from a simple look.

She had missed them. She missed them even now, sitting at a table surrounded by their laughter.

"This is not fair!" Sooyoung said, a little breathless. "I haven't heard a single steamy story from our famous opera singer."

"You’ve got a point," Nayeon said and leaned forward, an intent gleam in her eyes. Everyone had turned to look at Haseul, who seemed suddenly flustered under her chick bob-cut.

Jihyo held her breath and stared at Haseul’s reflection on the window. She couldn’t bring herself to look directly at Haseul.

"I don't have anything to tell you," Haseul said, toying with a white napkin on the table.

"As if we buy that!" Nayeon said.

"Out with it!"

"Well, there was this girl in Berlin," Haseul started, glancing at Vivi for support, who smiled. "She was studying clarinet, while I started my second year. And uh-"

"Don't tell me you're a white woman's whore," Jeongyeon chimed in, pleased with herself.

"Hey, it's not like that!" Haseul protested while everyone went "ooohhhh.” Jihyo stayed silent and was already picturing the girl in her mind, tall and doll-like with auburn hair and cute accent, looking at Haseul with blue puppy eyes and laughing at her lame jokes. Someone straight out of an old European fairytale.

"It didn't work out," Haseul said when the others calmed down enough for her to speak. "We broke up ages ago."

"Any other babes we should know about?" Sooyoung asked, looking more serious now and leaning close to Haseul.

"Nobody worth mentioning," Haseul said and smiled a crooked smile.

"Leave that to me," Nayeon said and Haseul began to protest vehemently, making the others burst out laughing at her panicked face while Nayeon introduced herself as a love and relationship expert from lady-loving heaven.

Jihyo relaxed and tuned out of the conversation, wondering why Haseul and the girl had broken up. Had something happened? Did Haseul leave her so she could concentrate on her passion for music? Had the cultural differences been too great? Maybe the attraction had waned out? Maybe the girl's parents didn't approve of their daughter dating a girl? Had one of them cheated?

"Anyways," Sooyoung said and stood up. "I promised Jiwoo not to be too late. Was so nice seeing you all, let's do this again soon! Hopefully Jinsoul can join us next time."

"Please bring Jiwoo with you, too," Jihyo said and stood up, giving Sooyoung a farewell hug.

"Will do," Sooyoung said and smiled. "You should bring your man, if he doesn't mind a group of big mouthed women."

"Hah, I'm sure he would be fine," Jihyo said and looked down at her ring finger. "I'll be sure to ask him."

After a round of hugs, Sooyoung left and the others sat down again, looking outside where the tall figure jumped over a puddle and disappeared around a corner.

"Actually, I think we should be going too," Jeongyeon said and looked at Nayeon who nodded back. "I need to be up early to open the bakery and Nayeon has a meeting tomorrow."

"I should stop by soon," Haseul said. "I haven't been there since you bought the place to yourself."

"Jeongyeon has done some really nice changes there," Nayeon said proudly, making Jeongyeon look away, happy and embarrassed at the same time. "Order one of the special coffees, they are delicious."

"I will," Haseul said and stood up to hug the older girls. Jihyo noted again Haseul’s white blouse and black jeans, her whole expensive looking attire. Last time she had seen Haseul, she had sported a long light brown hair with bangs and had always worn muted oranges and greens. And that ridiculous panda bag that she loved the more her friends teased her about it. Now she was so grown up and professional, hair black and as straight as the lines of her profile, sending shadows on the wall sharp enough to cut yourself with if you weren’t careful.

Before Haseul had been inviting like a spring breeze, now she was alluring like a mid-winter bonfire.

Jihyo hugged Nayeon and drew in some of her confidence, wanting the contact to last longer and feeling a little lost that her best friends were leaving. She loved Vivi and kept in touch with her often, but as a barrier against Haseul she wouldn't be loud or larger-than-life enough.

"Next time the bill is on us," Jeongyeon said and waved, linking her arms with Nayeon who was busy telling Jihyo to start watching a new drama that the older girl was obsessed over. Jihyo nodded dutifully, forgetting the title of the show as soon as Nayeon had said it.

"We'll see about that," Haseul waved back. She had more money than the others combined and was generous with it, which Jihyo found annoying in a childish way. It was like Haseul was showing off.

The three of them watched as the couple hurried across the road, trying not to get too wet in the rain. They looked like a couple from one of Nayeon’s precious dramas, almost too perfect to be real. _At least when you can’t hear them_ , Jihyo thought.

"I had almost forgotten about your curse," Vivi said, shaking both Haseul and Jihyo out of their thoughts. "It still rains when you two are around."

"It's just a coincidence-"

"That's just a tale-"

Haseul and Jihyo began to speak simultaneously and when they realized it, they went quiet, awkwardly smiling around the unintentional interaction. Vivi seemed delighted.

"You also claim it's not true, just like you always have," Vivi said and began to rummage through her purse. "Luckily for me, I bought my umbrella since I knew I'd be dining with rain women."

"It's a myth," Haseul groaned.

"Evidence says otherwise," Vivi said and stood up to put on her coat, smile still playing on her lips.

"Already leaving?" Jihyo asked.

"I'm going to Hong Kong tomorrow. Still some packing to do."

"Say hi to your parents," Jihyo said and wrapped her arms around the older girl, amazed how she felt so small. "And have a safe flight."

Vivi pressed a kiss on Jihyo's cheek before she let go and it made a lump rise in Jihyo’s throat.

"Don't cause a flood," Vivi said and smirked, walking over to Haseul and pressing her hand on the singer's shoulder. A silent message seemed to pass between the two, but Jihyo couldn't tell what it was except that Haseul looked very serious. Vivi was the one closest to Haseul, as the two of them had met each other even during Haseul's overseas studies when Vivi's modeling took her abroad often.

Jihyo wondered how much Vivi knew about Haseul's personal life. When they were younger, Jihyo had thought that Haseul had a crush on Vivi, but it had never been discussed. Vivi seemed like a tender topic to Haseul, even when they had been the closest out of anyone and could talk about anything else. Jihyo could still remember the shadow of jealousy, even when she wasn't supposed to care anymore.

"Jihyo, don't be a stranger! And you," Vivi said and pointed a finger at Haseul. "Text me."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Bye, Vivi!"

"Bye!"

Silence fell on the table between them and they both looked outside where the pouring rain made the window look like it was melting away. Behind the liquid glass, Vivi's pink-covered figure appeared under a huge black umbrella and then it was gone, leaving them totally alone for the first time in years.

Haseul cleared her throat.

"Would you like to order some dessert?"

"No, thanks. I'm still full," Jihyo said and tried to smile, wondering why she hadn't left earlier with the others. Just because nobody was waiting for her at home, or because she didn’t have to work the next day, didn't mean she'd have to stay and pretend to be friends with the unattainable woman next to her.

A great fatigue, heavy and stuffy like an oversized cloak, began to weigh down on Jihyo’s shoulders.

"Same here," Haseul said and lifted her hand to indicate a waitress to bring her the bill. Jihyo had always envied how easily Haseul could interact with everyone, while Jihyo stood shyly by, intimidating people with her strong face and presence, always a little too cool to get herself going in the presence of strangers.

The waitress came with the bill and Jihyo glanced at the total, eyes opening to their full size. Haseul didn't seem at all bothered and took out a foreign-looking credit card, dealing with the transaction like it was the most mundane thing in the world. At least, in the world of Haseul, which was clearly not the same world that Jihyo had learned to call her home. If they hadn’t known each other in school, would they have ever crossed paths at all?

"Thank you," the waitress said and smiled a pretty smile at Haseul, making Jihyo feel like an outsider. "Have a pleasant evening!"

"You too!"

Jihyo rummaged through her purse, looking for her metro pass and phone. When she found the phone, she turned the screen on and saw that she had no new messages. She listened to herself for a moment but didn’t hear any feelings coming which was good. Just then Haseul began to talk.

"Do you have any plans? I was wondering if you'd like a glass of wine at my place? It's been so long... it would be nice to talk."

Jihyo looked up from her phone and straight into Haseul's eyes for the first time since she had entered the restaurant. Haseul seemed confident on the outside but her eyes were quietly pleading, reminding Jihyo of how things had ended between them. Jihyo looked back on her empty phone and allowed herself to feel the longing she had tried to suppress all night. She closed the screen and looked up at Haseul, letting her emotions do the decision making.

"Sure, why not."

"Great!" Haseul said and bloomed into a bright smile and as they stood up, offered to help Jihyo with her jacket. Reluctantly, Jihyo slipped one arm into a sleeve and the hairs at the back of her neck sprang up when Haseul's fingers brushed her shoulder. They were standing so close that Jihyo could smell the scent of Haseul’s hair and just by being close to her, Haseul had wrapped her in a cocoon of electricity that made her jittery and unbalanced. The other people in the restaurant could have been miles away, boats on the faraway horizon. If she drowned now, they would be too late to rescue her.

Jihyo stepped away and let Haseul deal with her own jacket by herself. She hovered awkwardly between Haseul and the way out, wondering if she could still run away and cancel the whole thing. Earlier in the day, she had promised herself not to be affected by the other woman and trusted that the years and distance between them had made her immune, but now she was witnessing the rapid fall of her expectations. It scared and exhilarated her, somewhere under the grey cloud of apathy that had taken over her life.

"Ready?"

Jihyo nodded and they slipped out of the safety of the restaurant into the pouring rain. Haseul opened an umbrella and lifted it over their heads, almost linking their arms but deciding against it at the last moment.

"Don't tell Vivi about this, but I think she might be right about the curse," Haseul said secretively as they began to walk, their jackets brushing against each other even as Jihyo tried to stay as far as she could without getting completely wet.

"There are worse curses," Jihyo said and stepped over a puddle, gaze following the path of Haseul's shiny black boots.

"Like what?"

_Like the one you put on me_ , Jihyo thought, but didn’t answer.

"I’ve missed the girls," Haseul said as they turned a corner. She glanced at Jihyo and then added: "all of you."

Jihyo looked far ahead and let go of the umbrella, afraid that her hands might shake.

"Are we still far?"

"Ah, no," Haseul said, stumbling to catch up with the turns of the conversation. "You can already see the building over there."

The conversation withered away and Jihyo felt too tense to pick it up again. It was weird, when they had been younger, they had never been able to shut up around each other. She could recall long hours at school waiting for classes to be over just so she could talk to Haseul about everything. It had taken awhile to realize what it all meant and by the time she had, it was already the beginning of an end.

They entered a tall building and slipped into a shiny elevator, breaking out of the confines of the umbrella and rain. Jihyo backed against a wall furthest from the doors, hands deep in her jacket pockets. She stared at the back of Haseul's head, until the other woman turned.

Haseul didn't smile, nor did she wear any other readable expression. Jihyo stared back, curling her fingers into fists, unconsciously hoping that if she stuck her nails deep into her palms it might spur her to action. But before she could do anything but draw a shaky breath, Haseul dropped the umbrella on the floor with a clatter and strode across the elevator. With what seemed like one fluid motion the singer cupped Jihyo's jaw and kissed her on the mouth, lips cool from the rain but breath hot like Jihyo remembered it.

Jihyo opened her eyes when the elevator said a cheerful "bing" and watched as Haseul took a step back, eyes slow and dark. Jihyo found her thoughts again and she pushed past Haseul, trying to feel angry underneath every fiber of her being that was screaming for Haseul to touch her, one more time, slower, harder, longer.

"Let's get this over with," she said and stepped out of the elevator, scared that she might be sucked back into it and descend forever, Haseul pulling her down into madness.

-

_Jihyo woke up to rain drumming on the roof. Normally the sound wouldn't have made her stir, but she was in an unfamiliar house where the roof and walls had different acoustics to her own room back at home. The pathways of light also had different angles and the wind whistled different tunes._

_Haseul was asleep next to her, delicate shoulders peeking under their shared blanket. Her berry-brown hair had fallen over her right eye and with every exhale the hairs moved back and forth. Jihyo reached out and wiped the hair further back, feeling the warm breath on her palm. She let her gaze travel downwards over smooth skin and sculpted collarbones. In the shadow of the blanket were two round breasts, one slightly larger than the other. She only knew this because she had spent so much time admiring them. It was a secret she would never share with anyone._

_Jihyo blew air through her nose, heat traveling down her own body._

_It was a little late to become a hormonal teenager now, but her body couldn't care less about timelines or averages. It was just reacting to Haseul like a fire reacts to oxygen, doing what it was made to do. All Jihyo could do was to feel the variety of emotions overpowering her._

_Their first time had been a surprised fumble, their second a vary exploration. Hardly the best sexual encounters ever, yet it kept Jihyo craving for more and each time they got better at it, until it was something close to perfection. She tried to hold back the best she could because reaching perfection was daunting now that it seemed possible. Haseul didn't seem to worry about such things, or she hid it better. Every time Jihyo thought she had turned the last corner in Jo Town, Haseul offered her another one, the new street going deeper and darker, narrow between old buildings._

_Jihyo hadn't expected love to be like that. Her own parents were long past the beginning of their life together and their affection for each other flowed without a hitch. It was kind, subtle and stable, nothing like what she was feeling now. She wanted to tear Haseul to pieces to see what exactly she was made of that kept Jihyo coming back to her. She needed to know the secret combination so that if she ever lost Haseul she could still find what she needed and wanted._

_So far, she hadn't figured it out and it was starting to look like she never would._

_Haseul mumbled in her sleep and drew Jihyo’s thoughts back into her head. She should have looked at her phone to see the time, but since she didn't know, she didn't have to care. Instead, she touched Haseul's shoulder, cupping it with her palm. It was a perfect fit, like a key and a lock._

Perfect, perfect, perfect. _It was always that word she used, as all the other words had faded._

_"Jihyo," Haseul whispered, eyelids a pale blur over her eyes. Jihyo's heart began to beat faster and she ran her hand down Haseul's arm, closing her fingers around the younger woman's wrist._

_"There's something we need to talk about," Haseul said and opened her eyes, dark and sober despite the sleep._

Oh _, Jihyo thought. Here comes another corner._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we call this ship hyoseul? Yes? Talk to me lovely ones~


	2. Two

Haseul watched Jihyo as the woman stood in front of a high window and stared out into the pouring rain. Her glossy light brown hair shined under the living room lights and Haseul had to blink to make sure she wasn't just an optical illusion. She didn't know what she had imagined Jihyo to be like after so long - maybe softer on the inside and harder on the outside - but now it was quite the opposite. Jihyo looked warm and inviting with her short curls and bangs, but the expression in her eyes was wary and the line of her mouth was hard.

_That's your own doing_ , she thought and let her shoulders drop. Silently, she finished mixing their drinks and went to the living room, joining Jihyo by the window.

"Nice view," Jihyo said and took the drink with a nod, still not making eye-contact.

"It’s better during the day," Haseul said, taking a sip from her drink and rolling the alcohol on her tongue. It couldn't quite get the taste of Jihyo from her lips. So, she made a quick theory: only more Jihyo would be able to cleanse her.

Jihyo glanced her way, as if she had heard Haseul's thoughts. Haseul glanced back, trying to look innocent even as her insides were twitching from the proximity.

"Can we sit?"

Jihyo turned to look at the couch and took a gulp from her drink before walking to the piece of furniture. She sat down near the edge of the couch, too far to lean on the back rest. Haseul followed suit, leaving some space between them, but not so much that they couldn't reach each other if they wanted to. Jihyo was holding her glass between both hands, as if she was trying to protect it. Haseul wanted to reach out and take it from her.

Instead, she took a deep breath.

"I want to apologize," she said, looking down at the space between them. "For how it all ended and for leaving like I did. You don't have to forgive me-"

"I forgive you," Jihyo said, surprising Haseul so much that she almost spilled her drink.

"You-you do?"

"Years ago. It's hard to stay angry at you when you’re so far away," Jihyo said and sounded almost like she had practiced her lines. Whoever the woman was in front of Haseul, she was clearly only showing a small part of herself and it bothered Haseul.

"I thought it would be easier," Haseul mumbled, realizing that she didn’t know what to say. All the pain and regret she had felt over the years was nothing compared to the vacant look in Jihyo's eyes.

"It's all in the past," Jihyo said and smiled, looking over Haseul’s shoulder.

"I don’t think that’s true."

Haseul felt faint like oxygen wasn't reaching her lungs properly. It had been so easy to tell Vivi about her feelings for Jihyo, but now that Jihyo was here it was all going wrong. She said all the wrong things, in the wrong way. Jihyo looked at her like she didn't understand what Haseul was trying to say and like she didn't even want to try. Haseul could feel panic approaching in the distance. If she didn’t say what she needed to say, _now_ , she never would.

"I still love you," Haseul whispered, stroking her glass with anxious fingertips and watching gates opening and shutting down behind Jihyo's eyes. "I never stopped loving you. All the people I was with... they didn't matter. It was always… you."

Jihyo stood up and walked back to the window, gulping the rest of her drink down. Haseul watched her tense back, tears stinging in her eyes. Somewhere in the east a lightning bolt lighted the sky but it was too far to hear the thunder. The rain kept on pouring, a faint background to a stunned silence.

"It's too late now," Jihyo spoke finally, not turning to face Haseul.

"I know, I just-"

Something in Jihyo seemed to snap. She had been holding herself together all night, but Haseul had touched a sore spot and all the pretense began to fall apart. It shouldn’t have made Haseul feel relieved, but this was what she had expected. This felt like the real Jihyo whose shadow she had been regarding all evening.

"You don’t know anything!"

Jihyo turned to face Haseul and pointed her with the hand that was holding the glass, amber liquid sloshing from side to side. It was easier for Haseul to look at the glass than the face. "You can't just march here after all these years and expect me to be like nothing happened."

"That's not what I-"

"Remember this?" Jihyo said, lifting her other hand so that a golden ring could be seen even from across the room. "Did you forget when you kissed me in the elevator just now? Or did you not care?"

Haseul finished her glass at one go and set it down on a little table by the couch, glass clinking against glass. She felt irritated – at herself, but mostly at Jihyo’s fiancé.

“I’m sorry for kissing you like that… I don’t know what came over me,” she said and knew exactly what came over her. Haseul stood up, gaze trained on a carpet with saw-teeth pattern. She could tell Jihyo was finally listening to her properly, and it was impossible to stay quiet anymore.

"I’ve never believed that you love him. You accepted the first person who showed any interest in you and two weeks after I left, you were already dating him. Seems pretty desperate to me," she said, the edge in her voice sharp enough to wound her speaking mouth. _God_ how it had hurt when she had first heard about him. In that moment, she could have burned the whole world. The feeling was coming back.

"You don't know what it was like. You left me like a fucking afterthought," Jihyo said, her voice harder than Haseul had ever heard it before. She was visibly shaking. “At least he was a real, honest person!”

“There’s nothing real about him,” Haseul said and stepped closer to Jihyo, wanting to shake some sense into her.

“He is not a coward like you, who runs from first sign of love!”

“Maybe it was not love I was afraid of, but you!”

They fell silent, while the echo of the words still crackled in the air and their breathing came out in a rush, eager to fill the silence. Jihyo’s jaw was hanging loose like Haseul had just slapped her. Haseul covered her own mouth with her hand, anger turning into a heavy stone of regret that weighed down on her stomach.

"This was a bad idea," Jihyo whispered and turned to walk away, placing her drink on the table with a shaky hand. Haseul watched Jihyo moving away like she was in the middle of watching a film, when the camera starts to focus on the sky above a violent scene, distancing itself from the emotions of the characters by fixing on the surroundings. For a moment she was frozen, until the terror of losing Jihyo made her stir, and she stopped Jihyo by taking her by the arm.

“Let me be!” Jihyo snapped and Haseul flinched, dropping her arm immediately.

"Jihyo, please,” Haseul said and blinked back tears. It wasn’t Jihyo who was saying all the wrong things and reacting the wrong way, it was all her own doing. She hadn’t felt so much self-hatred since she had left Korea all those years ago, unable to properly say goodbye to Jihyo.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry,” she said, cursing the limits of language.

"Then what did you mean?" Jihyo muttered and held herself, halfway in, halfway on her way out.

"I… I don’t really know,” Haseul said and swiped away a stray tear. Jihyo looked so small and tired, eyes trained on an invisible spot, like she was watching something behind her open eyes and wished it wasn’t true. Seeing her like that made Haseul regret that she had asked the other woman over. She had been selfish, pulling Jihyo back into the past that clearly didn’t mean the same thing to them. A cursed past that had hurt one more than the other. Having Jihyo close to her had been Haseul’s dream for so long, but now she realized how narcissistic and ugly the desire had been all along. All she ever did was bring misery to Jihyo.

Jihyo opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. Moments passed, but Haseul was afraid to speak in case she would say everything wrong again. Finally, Jihyo cleared her throat, arms tightening around herself and spoke:

“He left me.”

All Haseul’s thoughts came to a stop and then scattered away, vanishing into a great white void.

“He told me he can’t marry a ghost,” Jihyo smiled like her teeth were hurting, large tears decorating her eyes, but not yet falling.

Haseul gasped, empty hands hanging loosely by her sides.

“I haven’t told anyone. And I still wear the ring because-“ Jihyo tried to gulp for air and speak at the same time, pausing when it was too difficult. Her painful smile, which wasn’t a smile, dropped at last and the motion set her tears free.

“All I have is this ring.”

Without a sound - quietly like hearts do - Haseul’s heart broke into tiny sharp shards. Jihyo was swaying in front of her, face in horrible twists and Haseul did the only thing that she could, wrapping her arms around the other woman, just as it seemed too hard for Jihyo to keep on standing. This time Jihyo didn’t push her away.

They dropped on the floor in a heap of limbs, as Jihyo began to cry, in the quiet way Haseul had seen her cry once, shaking but making barely any noise. It would have felt less heartbreaking if Jihyo had screamed, but even in her darkest moments Jihyo was still trying to hold herself together. Even in Haseul’s arms, she couldn’t quite trust others to take care of her, or the world to do something kind for once.

“Why do you all leave me?” Jihyo whispered into Haseul’s shoulder, just loud enough that Haseul could hear her. Speechless, Haseul hold on to Jihyo tighter, hoping that the hold would be strong enough to convey how she felt. Waves of sorrow rolled over Jihyo’s body like a storm, uprooting old and newer hurts, leaving the woman like a bare tree trunk on the shore.

Haseul wiped her own tears onto the sleeve of her shirt, trying to make as little movement as possible, scared that Jihyo might bolt now that she needed help more than ever.

_I’ll never leave you again if you let me stay_ , Haseul thought but didn’t say anything. Jihyo had hidden her face on Haseul’s shoulder, but now she turned it slightly, revealing a blotched cheek that had been carved by the folds of Haseul’s shirt. Instinctively, Haseul reached out to touch the cheek. It was so soft that she nearly dropped her hand from the sensation. When Jihyo didn't pull away, Haseul began to caress the side of her face, chasing the paths of tears.

"I hate you so much," Jihyo whispered when the shaking subsided and she leaned into the touch, closing her eyes with a flutter of her eyelashes. Haseul thought about one of her favorite arias and how singing it always filled her with something larger than herself as if the song wasn't coming out of her, but someone else was using her as a vessel for divine purposes. Having Jihyo's face at the tip of her fingers was achingly similar to that feeling. She was just a mirror to Jihyo's light, even as the light was now dim and battling for its existence.

She was just so beautiful.

And letting Jihyo go once had been painful but letting her go a second time would be like dying. Yet the knowledge that Haseul would live on, was somehow more horrible than the idea of dying. Human beings could get used to any sort of horror, but at what cost?

"I hate myself, too. For hurting you and leaving,” Haseul whispered, Jihyo's warm breath caressing her hand.

Haseul touched Jihyo's lower lip with her index finger and pulled away when she realized what she was doing. It was unfair to touch Jihyo when she was in such a vulnerable state. When she had entered the restaurant, Jihyo had taken Haseul's breath away with her soft glow, but now... she still took Haseul's breath away - only she looked like somebody had pushed her into Han river.

Jihyo opened her large, red-rimmed eyes and Haseul knew what she would have to do.

"Can you stay tonight?" Haseul started, as delicate as she could be. "You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

"Bad idea," Jihyo said automatically, like her mouth was talking before her brain could register.

"I'm not asking for anything. Just rest tonight and I promise to leave you alone tomorrow.”

Jihyo stared at the collar of Haseul’s shirt and seemed to weigh her options. She had curled up deep inside of herself and Haseul wondered whether she would ever come back from her inner world. When Haseul was about to say that she could also call Jihyo a cab and take her home, Jihyo sat up, making Haseul feel cold from the lack of contact.

"Okay.”

Thunder answered Jihyo’s assent with a loud shout, which made Haseul wonder whether it was trying to tell her to go home or to stay. Yet, she knew that Jihyo couldn’t be left alone. Haseul would rather call one of their friends to take Jihyo home and tell them everything than let the other woman down again.

"This way," Haseul said, as she stood up, extending her hand for Jihyo to take. For a moment, Jihyo stared at the hand and then blinked slowly, reaching out for it. Haseul pulled her up from the floor and stopped herself from giving Jihyo another hug, even as she looked like she badly needed it. It would be too much, too soon.

As they started to walk from the living room, still hand in hand, Haseul realized that nobody else had been to her bedroom since she had moved back to Korea. It felt awkward to show it to Jihyo, even if it was fitting that the nest of her loneliness should be revealed to Jihyo out of all people she knew. But right now, she was more worried about the other woman than anything else and just wanted Jihyo to sleep. Preferably somewhere where Haseul could see her and make sure she would be okay.

"You can wear anything from here," she said as they stepped into the room. Haseul turned on the light and felt exposed even as she had managed to make her bed for once. Jihyo stood rooted on the threshold, like she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to go back the way she came from or not. Haseul hold the closet door open for her, but Jihyo didn't look at what was inside.

"Jihyo," she started, pain squeezing her lungs. "I can take you home if-“

"No, it’s okay," Jihyo let out and finally turned to look at the clothes, letting go of Haseul’s hand.

"Okay… I'll go wash up and be right back. There's another bathroom behind that door," Haseul said and pointed to a door on the other side of the room. "There's no hurry."

"Thanks," Jihyo mumbled and concentrated on rummaging through Haseul's old sleeping clothes. Feeling embarrassed about a few old t-shirts in the pile and unsure what to say or do, Haseul left the room, closing the door behind her. At the corridor, she took a deep breath and listened if she could hear Jihyo move behind the wall. When she couldn't hear anything, she walked into the kitchen to wash their glasses. She could have left it till the morning, but she needed a task for her hands that could take her mind off. Which was impossible when Jihyo and her grief pulsed behind Haseul’s eyelids like a headache.

She could have killed the man for hurting Jihyo, but then she would have had to kill herself. It wasn’t a pleasant comparison to make.

-

_Haseul ran down the street, her sneakers making wet sounds on the flooding tarmac. It had been raining all week and it was all everyone talked about. The sun was a myth they told stories of, between weather forecasts and umbrella purchases, heads peeking outside from office and school windows, wondering if bright colors would ever reappear._

_However, Haseul couldn’t have cared less. She barely noticed the wet touch of her hoodie against her back as she jogged forward, phone heavy in her jean pocket. She didn't have an umbrella with her because she was improvising - after bombarding Jihyo with texts and calls for days she had chosen a more straightforward approach. Before, she had even gone so far as to call Nayeon to help her contact Jihyo, but the older girl had been adamant albeit gentle in her refusal. It would have hurt less if Jihyo's friends weren't also her friends now. Dragging Nayeon into a situation that she had no part in was unfair._

_Out of breath, Haseul stood on the doorstep of Parks' apartment and pushed the doorbell, certain that if she didn't do it right away, she never would. After the bell rang and faded, she wiped strands of wet hair from her face and noticed her own state. There would be no explanation if someone asked about it, so she stood up straighter and wished that the footsteps were Jihyo's and nobody else’s._

_"Hello?" The door opened, revealing a round face behind thick-rimmed glasses. It was Jihyo's youngest sister who looked like a pin with her large head and tall, skinny frame. So much like her big sister, just sharper in appearance._

_"Ah, hi. I was wondering if Jihyo's home?" Haseul said, hyperaware that a pool of water was forming under her feet. One droplet hung on the tip of her nose until she lifted her hand and wiped it with her palm, trying to look nonchalant in the process._

_"I'll go ask," the girl said and closed the door so that the whole corridor shook._

_Haseul shivered and wondered what the hell she was doing. After the last talk with Jihyo, the girl had run away and refused to talk to Haseul again. It had been violent, like Jihyo had stolen Haseul's limb or an eye, and now Haseul limbed forward, thoughts and feelings in a constant panic mode under a haze created by poor sleep and worse diet. She felt feverish, knowing that there was nothing wrong with her except that she was a total idiot._

_The door opened again._

_"I'm sorry, but she doesn't want to see you," the girl said, looking like she was not sorry at all, just a bit annoyed and massively bored - the bluff cover of every teenager._

_"I see," Haseul said and shook, not seeing it at all. The AC in the apartment complex was working efficiently at blowing her cold but not dry._

_"Well, tell her I won't bother her anymore," Haseul said and turned around, forgetting all manners. There was a pain on her left side, so strong and so all-encompassing that she couldn't even scream. She was turning into a monster that was eating its own tail._

_"Unnie," the girl said, as Haseul was already several meters from the door. "Do you want an umbrella?"_

_Haseul turned around, surprised by the sudden kindness. If she hadn’t felt so sorry for herself, she might have smiled._

_"No, thank you," she said and turned around, knowing that her face must have looked like a terrible mask that couldn't fool anyone. Tears were rolling down her face, leaking the last bit of warmth she had in her body._

_Umbrella would have been nice in a world where Jihyo still talked to her, but in her current reality it was meaningless. Tears would fall even under the cover of umbrella._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate myself for hurting jihyo like this, no matter how fictional. find me and haseul moping and feeling guilty at your local graveyard...


End file.
